Forgiveness

=== Ideas about what forgiveness is not ===
{{pov section|date=July 2023}}
* Forgiveness is not condoning<ref name="apa" /><ref name="fred"/>
* Forgiveness is not forgetting<ref name="apa" /><ref name="fred" />
* Forgiveness is not excusing (i.e. making reasons to explain away offender's responsibility or free will)<ref name="apa" /><ref name="fred" />
* Forgiveness does not have to be religious or otherworldly<ref name="fred" />
* Forgiveness is not minimizing your hurt<ref name="fred" />
* Forgiveness is not reconciliation (i.e. reestablishing trust in the relationship)<ref name="apa" /><ref name="fred" /><ref>{{cite web |last1=Worthington |first1=Everett |title=Everett Worthington - Justice, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation: How Psychology Informs Theology |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVXYuPKXEOQ |website=Youtube |publisher=GordonConwell |access-date=19 December 2019}}{{cbignore}} (Archived at [https://ghostarchive.org/varchive/youtube/20211211/JVXYuPKXEOQ Ghostarchive]{{cbignore}} and the [https://web.archive.org/web/20200430053547/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVXYuPKXEOQ&gl=US&hl=en Wayback Machine]{{cbignore}})</ref>
* Forgiveness is not denying or suppressing anger; rather its focus is on resentment.<ref>{{multiref2
|1={{cite web |last1=Romm |first1=Cari |title=Rushing to Forgiveness is not a Binary State |url=https://www.thecut.com/2017/01/forgiveness-is-not-a-binary-state.html |website=The Cut |date=11 January 2017 |access-date=19 December 2019}}
|2={{Cite web|first1=Paul M.|last1=Hughes|first2=Brandon|last2=Warmke|url=https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/forgiveness/#EmotAcco|title=Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy|at=Emotion Accounts (of what forgiveness is)|date=2017-05-31|access-date=2020-01-18}}
}}</ref><ref name="Stosny">{{cite book |last1=Stosny |first1=Steven |title=Living & Loving after Betrayal |date=September 1, 2013 |publisher=New Harbinger Publications |isbn=978-1608827527 |page=227}}</ref><ref name="fred" />—in particular, in order to forgive it is healthy to acknowledge and express negative emotions, before you can forgive<ref name="Wanda" />
* Forgiveness is not ignoring accountability or justice<ref>{{multiref2
|1={{cite web |last1=Enright |first1=Robert |title=Two Weaknesses of Forgiving: it victimizes and it stops justice |url=https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/201708/two-weaknesses-forgiving-it-victimizes-and-stops-justice |date=2017-08-10|website=Psychology Today |access-date=19 December 2019}}
|2={{cite web |last1=Marsh |first1=Jason |title=Is Vengeance Better For Victims, than Forgiveness? |url=https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_vengeance_better_for_victims_than_forgiveness |date=2015-07-29|website=Greater Good |access-date=19 December 2019}}
}}</ref>—in particular, punishment and compensation are independent of the choice to forgive (you can forgive, or not forgive, and still pursue punishment and/or compensation, regardless)<ref>{{multiref2
|1={{cite web |last1=Luskin |first1=Fred|last2=Seago|first2=Laura |title=Forgiveness is not what you think it is |url=https://www.curablehealth.com/podcast/forgiveness-is-not-what-you-think-it-is-dr-fred-luskin |website=Curable Health |publisher=Laura Seago |access-date=19 December 2019}}
|2={{Cite book|title=Exploring Forgiveness|last=North|first=Joanna|publisher=University of Wisconsin|year=1998|isbn=0299157741|page=17}}
}}</ref><ref name="Zaibert">{{cite journal |last1=Zaibert |first1=Loe |title=The Paradox of Forgiveness |journal=Journal of Moral Philosophy |year=2009 |volume=6 |issue=3 |pages=365–393 |doi=10.1163/174552409X433436 |url=http://minerva.union.edu/zaibertl/zaibert%20the%20paradox%20of%20forgiveness.pdf |access-date=19 December 2019 |archive-date=19 October 2021 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20211019081048/https://minerva.union.edu/zaibertl/zaibert%20the%20paradox%20of%20forgiveness.pdf |url-status=dead }}</ref>
* Forgiveness is not pardoning; it cannot be granted or chosen by someone else<ref name="apa" /><ref name="fred" />
* Emotional forgiveness is not the same as decisional{{jargon inline|date=July 2023}} forgiveness or the expression of forgiveness. Expressing emotions (i.e., "I am angry at you" or "I forgive you") is not the same as genuinely having or experiencing the emotions (i.e., people can deny, mistake, or lie about their emotional experience to another person while genuinely feeling something else instead)<ref name="Zaibert" /><ref>{{multiref2
|1={{cite web |last1=Seltzer |first1=Leon F. |title=Fake vs. True Forgiveness |url=https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/evolution-the-self/201502/fake-vs-true-forgiveness|date=2015-02-20|website=Psychology Today |access-date=19 December 2019}}
|2={{cite journal |last1=Worthington |first1=Everett |title=Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience |journal=Psychology & Health |date=February 1, 2001 |volume=19 |issue=3 |pages=385–405 |doi=10.1080/0887044042000196674 |s2cid=10052021 |url=https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Worthington-ForgivenessCopingStrategy.pdf |access-date=19 December 2019}}
}}</ref>
* Although this is heavily debated,<ref name="Field" /> emotional forgiveness is for you, not the offender<ref name="fred">{{cite book |first1=Fred |last1=Luskin |title=Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health & Happiness |date=September 2003 |publisher=HarperOne |isbn=978-0062517210 |page=[https://archive.org/details/forgiveforgoodpr00lusk/page/7 7–8] |url=https://archive.org/details/forgiveforgoodpr00lusk/page/7 }}</ref> (i.e., unless you choose to make it so: by expressing it, or by trying to reconcile)